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Van's Random Thoughts
 I have come to realize that I have a lot of random thoughts.   I have a lot of opinions, ideas, reflections and advice.  Most of this stuff is pretty useless, but I feel that I should write it down because you never know what might happen.  If one of the things I think of turns out to be worth something...and you steal it, I will sue your ass.

Ok, here goes...

I feel sorry for fat people because the hip-hop community has made wearing baggy pants so popular.  All the stores are probably sold out, thus preventing fat people from finding jeans that fit.  This is disturbing because we don't want fat people walking around without pants on.

Attention attractive young white chicks:  If you are considering getting a tattoo, just get a couple of small ones.  You don't need to be ruining yourself with big ugly ass tattoos.  But, if for some reason you absolutely must get a big one, get "Property of VAN AMMONS" tattooed in big letters on your ass. That would be pretty cool.

Also, stay away from ugly ass body piercings!  Getting your ears, tongue, navel, and pussy pierced is cool...but not your eye brows, lips or nose.  Remember, you're not running around in the jungles of Africa, so stay away from the ugly stuff.

I don't understand why some people get so excited about Cell Phones, Palm Pilots and BlackBerrys..  Some people even walk around with them prominently displayed on their belts.  It's as if they think it's some sort of status symbol or something.  Well, it's definitely a symbol - a symbol that the person might (just might) be a dork.  If you don't believe me, just take a look at Algore. (aka "L. Ron Algore").  If you're not an "Algore" then don't take offense!

I think that retarded kids are more creative that the rest of us.  Leave it up to a retarded kid to fall his ass off The Drop Zone at Paramount's Great America near San Francisco.  I've been on that ride several times, and even if I wanted to fall out, I'm not creative enough to figure out a way to do it.  That takes some real ingenuity!

Anyone who knows anything about biology knows that attractive face genes are in every cell of a hot chick's body. Every cell.  This also means that ugly face genes are in every cell of an ugly chick's body.  This is the reason why the "It doesn't matter what she looks like when the lights are  off" theory and the "Just put a bag over her head" theory are both bogus.  Even with the lights off or when the bag is on her head, you're still going to be touching her and those ugly face genes are all through her body.  You sure don't want to be doing that now do you?

I'm not as big a fan of huge breast implants as you might think.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine for chicks to get real big tits, but if I'm really interested in a chick because she has an awesome face, ass and legs, I wouldn't necessarily ask her to get them.  I mean, if she's really that good looking you can probably overlook small tits.

I would make the worst pimp ever.  I have really high standards, so I'd only want really hot chicks in my stable.  After all, who wants to employ ugly chicks?  Anyway, since my girls would be so hot, I wouldn't want any other guys doing them for less than $1,000.  And because I wouldn't let my girls sleep with other guys for less than a grand, my little enterprise wouldn't generate much cash since most guys couldn't afford it...and that's no way to run a business.

I'm pretty sure that lesbians are born genetically the way they are.  Let's face it, most of those lesbians look like dudes and they couldn't ever hope to look feminine.  That's what leads me to believe that they are genetically fucked up.  This, however, is no excuse for being ugly, and people should treat lesbians like the ugly ass women that they are.

On the other hand, I'm not completely sure about all the "bi-sexual" stuff with women these days.  If the girl looks like a dude, she is a lesbian.  If she's "Hot Looking" there is a good chance she is probably straight.  I think the main reason that so many good looking women engage in "bi-sexual" activity is because it's trendy and it gets them lots of attention from guys.  I must stress though, that I have no problem whatsoever with watching two hot chicks eat each other.  Watching chicks fuck each other seems pretty normal to me!

I would really like to see Britney Spears get into an all-out cat fight with Christina Aguilera.  Either that, or I'd like to watch them eat each other.  I guess I really don't care one way or the other.

Isn't it about time that Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera got their big ugly noses fixed?  And why in the world doesn't someone tell Jennifer (J-HO) to start working on that big fat butt of hers?  Or should I say...start working OFF that big fat butt of hers.  Her ass is fucking huge and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  Who knows, with her nose fixed and a smaller ass she might find something other than black guys and a few stupid white guys that want to fuck her.

Speaking of big ugly noses, what about Barbara Streisand?  That is one ugly ass woman!  She always has been!  She is paying poor James Brolin ten million dollars just for marrying her.  The kicker to the deal is that he has to stick it out for ten years to collect.  He definitely got the bad end of that deal getting only a million a year to be with that obnoxious ugly ass bitch!

If you have ever listened to Jennifer Lopez, Barbara Streisand, Pink, Madona, Jewel or Julia Roberts attempt to carry on an intelligent conversation you would definitely conclude that they aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree..  That's too bad.  Barbara and Julia appear to easily be the least intelligent in that group.  They both babble a lot.

Have you noticed that no one ever seems to get very close to Jewel, Pink or Courtney Love?  I wonder if it's because they always look like they smell and need a bath?

I don't understand why people watch award shows.  Most of those people are real obnoxious, so why do you want to sit around, watch a boring ceremony, and witness huge golden statues being handed over to these people?

Nobody has ever experienced "400 years of oppression."  You know who you are so stop whining and get over it.

Important Things I've Learned From Watching TV And Movies

Large loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is always evil.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to blow up and kill you.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut...because you will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts.  Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

On TV it's possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics and international law, all by the age of 22...but only if you are blonde, good looking and have big tits.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations it is always necessary to visit at least one strip club.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that go all the way up to a womans tits but only reach the waist of the man lying beside her.

Most grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leaf tops.

It's easy to land a jet plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If a girl is beautiful, her makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens...however, if she is fat, her mascara will automatically run and her lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from side to side.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music that's playing in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

That's all for now...watch for more later!